Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
There's always time for handjobs
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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