god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
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One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
this is an emotional support booty call
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
His nipple licking is glorious
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