Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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