how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
