Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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