So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
