I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
