I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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