I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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