11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
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Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
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My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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