Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Randomize
