My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
