just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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