your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
