I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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