I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Randomize
