So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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