Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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