Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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