good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
