I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
