I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
