no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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