I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
