in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
