I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
