it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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