Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
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