Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
