In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Randomize
