The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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