I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Randomize
