My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
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