I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Randomize
