last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Randomize
