your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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