Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
