If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
