I'm gonna have a badass scar
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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