Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
