The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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