He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
