Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
