and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
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UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
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