My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
