i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
Randomize
