Midget sex pt 2 tonight
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
