Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
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I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
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Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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