just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
You are the jesus of drinking
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
