Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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