i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
