I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
