I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
