he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
