i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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