o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
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