omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
