I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
